How the hell should I know

I still remember, I'm sure you all did and we should. After 3 months of waiting and wasted away, well, in my case I did. The day they announced and we collected our S.P.M result slip that determines our academic strata. I'd always dream to be among on the highest pinnacle, even though I was lazy and an idiot to top it off. My result was okay, although, its not really wow-superb but more of "hey, its better than fail!". I flunked most of the science subjects(Chemistry, Physics and Biology). Nevertheless, I was not devastated at all. I recalled I was pretty much happy that I got A for BM.

Everyone was rejoicing the end of our agony and celebrated success, reunions and so on. Peer pressure is still a strong influence, I ended up following few ex-classmates to visit some ex-teachers of ours. Shoving the slip back in my pocket and missed the half an hour bus ride home. We put our good-student's masks on, we told them what they wanted to hear like how we missed them, appreciate their help and I wished that I had thank them for making my life through hell and of course the one that I can't really say out loud e.g.."I fail your class because you suck as a teacher!"..harsh? Do you think so? Nah, they should be told but I didn't.

The supposed short session continued with endless results exchange, study plans discussion and so on. I couldn't care less until it was my turn, I didn't know we have to share our future plan. At that moment, a half an hour bus ride home really sounded good. I kept quiet and it only perks their interest. The teacher asked me again, what do I want to be? I know I have an answer, I always have an answer but everything change after I got the S.P.M result. If the teacher had asked me last year I would've answered, I wanted to be a doctor and to be precise a cardiologist.

Everything change, I didn't know what happened. I guess I lost track of what I really aspired to be and never really recover from it. The blank look and faraway thought gave me away. To her I might seems such a pitiful kid, so clueless. She, looked at my result slip and commented that English was always my strong point. She suggested if I should took up a degree in English Language (as a second language). I don't know, how she knows what I liked but the thought of learning that particular subject, really stuck to me. I ended up in a local University learning English, of course.

The transition from being a science student to liberal arts was a big challenge. When I was doing science everything is done in an order. Every tests shows a determined results, there's a system, and formulas to be memorized. The first thing they thought us in class was "There is no right or wrong in Literature" that phrase blown me away. I realize learning arts was more of thinking outside of the box. Whereas, I was inside a box within a box. I couldn't shake this single sided thinking and being too straight laced. I was introduced to confusion by Emily Dickinson and Walt Whitman, my naivete fails me to understand them. The many stages of William Blake's life and the carefree of Wordsworth, I love the idea of Romanticism. The Horror of understanding Beowulf and Shakespeare but what really got me was Greek's Oedipus Rex and Medea, I can feel her wrath and deeply affected by it. I cried for Wilfred Owen and I wished I could create a sonnet or two for Sylvia Plath. I wish my middle name was Earnest and that is when I stopped dreaming and started wishing. I started to want things and things that I could never have, it made me compared myself to others and I hated it because I can't stop it.

In my mid-year I was prone to suicide. Was it hormone? Was I really depressed? Thinking back everything was confusing. I don't know what triggered it but it wasn't getting any easier as graduation is nearing closer. I was troubled by mixed feeling of stupidity and regrets. It heightens During the final semester break, when a young cousin asked me. What is my job scope once graduated. I kept quiet and It occurred to me that all I ever did was reading poetry, some stories and still fail. Did I fail to understand arts? I tried to remember what I'd observed from few of my seniors, most of them become teachers, lecturers, some doing administration and a few of them doing journalism. A few other doing odd jobs and starting their own business. I guess its nothing involving literature unless you are aiming to be a lecturer or a teacher.

English was supposed to be my strong point but after graduating with a 2.5 on a repeated semester for a single subject, I'm deemed the same clueless and pitiful girl 5 years ago. I joined the customer service sector. My first debut as a career woman, I worked in a call center for a local bank. I learned a lot about client services, phone etiquette and affective phone conversation. I quit that job after 6 months and worked as an Exec for a small company for Client Services. It was fun, although I have a dual role as the receptionist but I guess it was nice of them to indirectly informing me that I was the receptionist but with better job titles. I quit during recession after a year rendering my service to them. I was jobless again and doing sales for the briefest of time.


I failed school, I failed work and relationship? I never really had a heavy or serious one yet. It's due to my failure in both chemistry and physics, I fail to read moods(sigh). I quit relationship and concentrated on career. I went for a lot of interviews and yet I can't ace any of it. I guess the cause of these feat was this stinging question, "How do you see yourself ten years from now?" Most of time, I'll bluff all the way but I guess they saw through it and I sucked at lying.

I wish I could tell them, even after 10 years if you asked me where I will be or what I will be doing or what I'm going to do? The answer will always be the same for now and later "How the hell should I know".