Where did you go...

“...where’d you go, I miss you so...” Love, what a fine morning it is. A cloudy day likes this, best half spent on bed and thinking about you. I remembered you once said, you will always love me. You will never forsake me and you will always miss me but why you never call me. Don’t we love dancing in the rain...You called me out the window and I flew down the stairs to be with you. Don’t we love counting clouds overhead...Laying next to you sun kissed and half baked. Don’t we love singing by the pool...At 3am waiting for “Mr. Sun to shine down on us”. Don’t we love to party...We eat a lot, dance a lot and sweat so much, baby we shine brighter than any neon lights. Don’t we love eating chocolate...Talking future and counting cars. Don’t we hate wars...We always make-up no matter how horrible the fights were. My love, I don’t need a reason to call you late at night and just cry. I don’t need to say much to have your arms around me. I can’t fool you can I, when I say everything is ok. I know I’m a terrible liar and you know it long well. Oh love...This time I’m telling you that I’m not okay, I miss you and it hurts.

Missing You

Baby is it raining at the side you’re on
Does it feel cold when you roll over?
Was there anything missing?
Can you feel the tears flowing down your face...?
Because I do.

Baby are you sleeping well
Does it feel ok alone on the bed?
Was there anything missing?
Can you feel the shiver underneath the cover...?
Because I do.

Baby can’t you tell
Is it not obvious?
There is something missing
Can’t you feel that I’m not around...?
Because I do.

Baby it’s pretty lonely over here
It is a torture
There’s none a time not thinking of you
Can’t you see I’m crying now...?
Because I miss you.

What Truly Happened On Lady’s Night: At His Side of The Story

[Okay…] It was Jane, her “Bff’s” birthday how bad can it be, all of them are girls and yeah, I think I can trust her on that! [Damn it!] It’s not her that I’m worried about but all the men that will be ogling their eyes on her as if it’s ready to pop out any minute! As much as I hate to admit it, but a guy got to do what a guy got to do…I’ve decided to keep an eye on her in case things happen. You never know, the world is not a safe place anymore. I’m sure she won’t mind me spying; I mean protecting her [Cough!]. It’s the noblest thing a man could do; I do it on her behalf and for her well being, okay! [sheesh!]

She didn’t know that I was at the club early and already making myself comfortable, with a drink in one hand and a cigarette on the other. Had the boys tagged along and keep a close watch! There I was gazing through the crowd, trying to identify each one of them that can be a future threat on my territory and worse still, on my girl. They were all bunch of wannabes and inept overeager teenagers. On a night like this, there will be only one thing on their minds… “I’m feeling lucky tonight!”.[My girl is my pride]

It was almost midnight and the girls will be here soon, seven of them and four of us. [hmm…what an odd combination!] Suddenly a girl just fluttered her eyelashes at me with that look. [I know that look but sorry girl, I’m taken] She’s not my type! I did have a swift glance over her figure though; well it must be those short-checkered skirt and tight pink halter top she had on. [Hey, guys will always be guys…there’s nothing else that I can do but looked!] She looks young; I wonder 21 no…22 hmmm…maybe in the light she could be in her mid twenties? She tied her hair in a ponytail, she had long shapely leg and how thin can she get! Nothing much to brag about her boobs…I like extra meat on my woman! The girl was distracted by something and I looked at the same direction and there it was… the lucky seven! Suddenly the temperature in the club just went up in full notch!

I tried hard not to curse out loudly or worse, walked up to my girl and put my jacket over her shoulder. Then, drag her out of the club [Hey, that’s an idea!]. By the time she settled down at a corner with her friends, I was wearing a big frown on my face that scared the guys away. Even the girl, who was flirting with me before, she made the quickest exit I have ever seen! I can’t help it, imagine your girlfriend going into a club packed with men [wait…packed with wolves and buaya!], and turning up half naked! Every male in the club are not just ogling, they are in fact, practically drooling over her, even some of my friends can’t take their eyes of her! [Damn it!]

[What the hell is she wearing?] She was obscene. It looks as if her boobs were about to fall out any minute and make a scene! How come I never saw her wore that top when I am around. [Damn it!] Thank God, she is wearing jeans and not a skirt like the other girl just now. [I’ll be damn if she did!] Nevertheless, the jeans aren’t helping that much, it just emphasized her butt more! It’s so perky! [I want to touch them…] In fact, all of them are obscene, all seven of them! [What? Are they trying to be, the next Pussycat Dolls or something?! Damn it!]

I was tormented for the next few minutes, got to keep my cool, just for a little bit more. At least, before midnight! [She didn’t notice me! Good!] She was busy checking out every guy in the club! Doing what she does best, playing with her long wavy hair with her fingers, batting her eyelashes every now and then…her laughter was like the sound of bells echoing through the room. [I don’t know how I can hear that, but I can] She held her gaze for the longest time at the bar. [Wait, that’s not right!] I saw her licking her lips and run the back of her hand up and down her neck.

That was foreplay, no doubt! [Scowl!] Who is she flirting with? [It’s the bartender!] Is that an innocent flirting? What’s so innocent about that? She broke her gaze and concentrated back on her girlfriends. The bartender, well like any guy in the club was checking out her BOOBS, of course! [Duh…Relax! Just a few more minutes!] I glanced at my Rolex, and found it right on the stroke of midnight. [Its party time!] I put down my drink, put out my cigarette and started looking for her. [Now, where did miss temptation go?]

I made my way through the crowd and I found her among her friends, while some guys were trying to get their ways about them… including the bartender. [Damn it!] I puff out the muscles and flash the Rolex. I guess I made an impression this is my win and the other guys just backed off. I settled myself behind her and tried to keep up with the beat, I think I just startled her. Just giving her a taste of her own medicine. [Hel-low baby!]

The club is nearing to it’s closing time and by 3am the lights will be on. I saw Jane laughing with the girls in the dark. [Alamak, kantol lah plak!] I guess she realized it was me from the start and left us to be alone together. The only clueless person is this promiscuous lady in front of me. [Hoho, you asked for it Baby!] Suddenly, she swirls straight onto me and I knew that she knew. What can I do, I just laugh and give her the padan-muka look. [hahahaha] She sulked and I hugged her, she tried to break free but eventually, she stopped struggling and holds me back. She managed to whisper something like “I can never get rid of you, can I?” and I think I answered somewhat like “You are the one who had me locked from the start.”

What Truly Happened On Lady’s Night: A Confession to My Baby

It was Jane, my Bff’s birthday so we decided on a girl’s night out! There were seven of us and here are the rules: No boyfriends are allowed, [sorry baby!] so we can engage ourselves with some INNOCENCE FLIRTING and dance the night away with a total stranger with NO STRING ATTACHED. [Take notes of *innocent flirting and *no strings attached] The dress code for that night was “flirtatious and dangerous”. [Yeah, like we need a dress code. Duh…]

Anyway, I was wearing a black top with a deep v-neck that ends snuggly between my bosoms and only showed a MODEST HINT of décolleté. [It was a cute top! It was not obscene…duh] It’s tight and complements the size of my boobs. Did I mention, the purple lace lining down the neckline, just further tease, [err…hehehe] I wore a pair of black jeans, to soften the look. Wonder if I wore a skirt it will only bring the house on fire. The jeans clad nicely on my shapely legs with a lifting effect! It was a winning combination; it makes me feel comfortable, confident and not desperate. [You don’t mind... right sayang?]

It was lady’s night, and when the clock stroke midnight, we hit the dance floor with style. We started to dance, alluringly! [Well, if you got it flaunt it!] Suddenly, I felt a familiar presence behind me. [somewhat smells like you! hmm…] He got hold of my back and latched himself with no hint of letting go. We swayed to the beat of the music. [It was a distressful moment! Honestly!] Although, I’ve got to admit the guy do have style. I can’t keep up or get a better look on him. He kept his gaze downward most of the time, and the bad lighting in the club didn’t help much.
Here we are on the dance floor that was packed with all these unknown characters. Although, we rubbed some shoulders, [fine!] we stepped on some toes [okay…] and bumped into some breasts [ouch!] but I had had to give this guy a credit. He was gentle and like a protective orb around me. I mean nobody had a chance to dance with me except him and I hope it ends there, just for the dance and nothing else… [I know I have you lah...sayang]

The temperature rose and I started to sweat. It doesn’t help much with his warm breath, on my neck; body heat on my back and the guy’s intoxicating scents filling my nostrils it was a total turn-on! [I was imagining you, most of the time! Honest!]
After a few minutes, sprang of guilt fill my conscious. I tried to detach myself from him, but none was successful.[betul…sayang] I was dry on wits! I tried to shake him off; just to make a statement that he is overdoing it. I wriggled myself ahead of him; he followed and like magnet we were back to where we were before. I swung to the right he thought it was a game and swung to the right! I swung to the left and when I thought he was letting me free he swung me back closer to him! [Snort! Of course I hate it…well a bit-lah] I glared, frowned and rolled my eyes at him and to my surprise he was not affected at all! [Like he can saw my expression at all…What’s up with that guy? I was really harassed okay…] He must have thought that I enjoyed it! [Hello…? Like, I will choose him over you!] If he is not so preoccupied and too participative in his own world, he would have noticed that how hard I am trying not to throw up my guts out on every rhythm we made! [So I thought…Fine! I enjoyed it ok, but not most of it.]

As we progressed to the closing, I saw all the girls were missing. I mean since when, they weren’t there? [I was really worried.] Then, I saw Jane giggling in the dark. [It hit me] Once the light was on, I swirl as fast as I can and I was right. All this while it was my baby dancing with me, it is no surprise he knows all my moves…[it was you…sayang? Saje jew] His face says it all, that nonchalant smile mocking me. I had a big frown and he held me strong. I tried to break free but there’s no sign of him letting me go, so I held him back instead. I guess I did ask him “I can never get rid of you, can I?” and I believe he answered “You are the one who had me locked from the start.”

How the hell should I know

I still remember, I'm sure you all did and we should. After 3 months of waiting and wasted away, well, in my case I did. The day they announced and we collected our S.P.M result slip that determines our academic strata. I'd always dream to be among on the highest pinnacle, even though I was lazy and an idiot to top it off. My result was okay, although, its not really wow-superb but more of "hey, its better than fail!". I flunked most of the science subjects(Chemistry, Physics and Biology). Nevertheless, I was not devastated at all. I recalled I was pretty much happy that I got A for BM.

Everyone was rejoicing the end of our agony and celebrated success, reunions and so on. Peer pressure is still a strong influence, I ended up following few ex-classmates to visit some ex-teachers of ours. Shoving the slip back in my pocket and missed the half an hour bus ride home. We put our good-student's masks on, we told them what they wanted to hear like how we missed them, appreciate their help and I wished that I had thank them for making my life through hell and of course the one that I can't really say out loud e.g.."I fail your class because you suck as a teacher!"..harsh? Do you think so? Nah, they should be told but I didn't.

The supposed short session continued with endless results exchange, study plans discussion and so on. I couldn't care less until it was my turn, I didn't know we have to share our future plan. At that moment, a half an hour bus ride home really sounded good. I kept quiet and it only perks their interest. The teacher asked me again, what do I want to be? I know I have an answer, I always have an answer but everything change after I got the S.P.M result. If the teacher had asked me last year I would've answered, I wanted to be a doctor and to be precise a cardiologist.

Everything change, I didn't know what happened. I guess I lost track of what I really aspired to be and never really recover from it. The blank look and faraway thought gave me away. To her I might seems such a pitiful kid, so clueless. She, looked at my result slip and commented that English was always my strong point. She suggested if I should took up a degree in English Language (as a second language). I don't know, how she knows what I liked but the thought of learning that particular subject, really stuck to me. I ended up in a local University learning English, of course.

The transition from being a science student to liberal arts was a big challenge. When I was doing science everything is done in an order. Every tests shows a determined results, there's a system, and formulas to be memorized. The first thing they thought us in class was "There is no right or wrong in Literature" that phrase blown me away. I realize learning arts was more of thinking outside of the box. Whereas, I was inside a box within a box. I couldn't shake this single sided thinking and being too straight laced. I was introduced to confusion by Emily Dickinson and Walt Whitman, my naivete fails me to understand them. The many stages of William Blake's life and the carefree of Wordsworth, I love the idea of Romanticism. The Horror of understanding Beowulf and Shakespeare but what really got me was Greek's Oedipus Rex and Medea, I can feel her wrath and deeply affected by it. I cried for Wilfred Owen and I wished I could create a sonnet or two for Sylvia Plath. I wish my middle name was Earnest and that is when I stopped dreaming and started wishing. I started to want things and things that I could never have, it made me compared myself to others and I hated it because I can't stop it.

In my mid-year I was prone to suicide. Was it hormone? Was I really depressed? Thinking back everything was confusing. I don't know what triggered it but it wasn't getting any easier as graduation is nearing closer. I was troubled by mixed feeling of stupidity and regrets. It heightens During the final semester break, when a young cousin asked me. What is my job scope once graduated. I kept quiet and It occurred to me that all I ever did was reading poetry, some stories and still fail. Did I fail to understand arts? I tried to remember what I'd observed from few of my seniors, most of them become teachers, lecturers, some doing administration and a few of them doing journalism. A few other doing odd jobs and starting their own business. I guess its nothing involving literature unless you are aiming to be a lecturer or a teacher.

English was supposed to be my strong point but after graduating with a 2.5 on a repeated semester for a single subject, I'm deemed the same clueless and pitiful girl 5 years ago. I joined the customer service sector. My first debut as a career woman, I worked in a call center for a local bank. I learned a lot about client services, phone etiquette and affective phone conversation. I quit that job after 6 months and worked as an Exec for a small company for Client Services. It was fun, although I have a dual role as the receptionist but I guess it was nice of them to indirectly informing me that I was the receptionist but with better job titles. I quit during recession after a year rendering my service to them. I was jobless again and doing sales for the briefest of time.


I failed school, I failed work and relationship? I never really had a heavy or serious one yet. It's due to my failure in both chemistry and physics, I fail to read moods(sigh). I quit relationship and concentrated on career. I went for a lot of interviews and yet I can't ace any of it. I guess the cause of these feat was this stinging question, "How do you see yourself ten years from now?" Most of time, I'll bluff all the way but I guess they saw through it and I sucked at lying.

I wish I could tell them, even after 10 years if you asked me where I will be or what I will be doing or what I'm going to do? The answer will always be the same for now and later "How the hell should I know".

Aquarius

Regina Spektor

Dear someone listening
in the shadows,
I only talk to you sometimes.
And though I ask for help in riddles,
it is,
clearer in my mind,
clearer in my mind.

Born of a sign that carries vessels,
but in a month as cold as ice.
I know I question things too quickly,
but I have never questioned if I've loved,
loved.

Dear someone
watching from the shadows,
I'm clenching water in my fists.
The droughts they slip right through my fingers,
but there's
water on my lips,
water on my lips.

Born of a sign that carries
vessels,
but in a month that brings just ice.
I know I question things too quickly,
but I've never
wondered if

I've loved
loved.

Dear someone watching from the shadows,
you've seen me lose all the water from my hands.
I'm not a skillfull water carrier,
but the raindrops
keep falling on my head,
falling on my head.

Born of a sign that carries water,
but in a month that brings just ice.
I'm not a skillfull water carrier
but I've,
learned to carry love,
learned to carry love.

I'm not a skillfull
water carrier,
but I've learned to carry
love
love
love
love

HELL NO

Rgina Spektor & Sondre Lerche

I know I was out of line
you were way out of your mind
wrapped up in my reveries
causing all this misery

hear me out
if ever there's a chance in heaven (or in hell)
to slowly forget the past and the bandage

be careful you fool, there are certain rules
even for a fellow like you
but don't be alarmed, no one gets harmed
I will never go, babe, hell no

maybe I was in the dark
but why'd you have to steal my heart?
well, I didn't plan to go berserk
baby, you were such a jerk

well just hear me out
I can't believe the things I said (i know!)
I obviously was removed from my senses

be careful you fool, there are certain rules
even for a fellow like you
but don't be alarmed, no one gets harmed
I will never go, babe, hell no

now hear me out
if ever you decieve me (if ever, ever?)
we're through
you worry too much, I won't make you sorry

be careful you fool, there are certain rules
even for a fellow like you
but don't be alarmed, no one gets harmed
I will never go, babe, hell no

be careful you fool (don't be alarmed)
there are certain rules (cause I know that)
I will never go, babe, hell no